Decisions, decisions: Instincts v.s. Emotions
I’m a very impulsive person. Whereas many of my friends plan their lives by the week, month, year, even five-year plan, I’ve stumbled from one thing to another with a lot of luck and a little bit of grace. My sister used to agonize for ten-to-twenty minutes at restaurants over what to order; I’d barely glance at the menu before making a game-time decision.
There are advantages to this way of life: I can corral a large group of people struck with collective indecision. I have no emotional barrier from grabbing the reins and dictating the next step. It also gives the outward appearance of being care-free (which if you’ve read my either pieces you know is simply an illusion that covers a highly anxious brain). However, as the overwrought cliche’ goes: If you don’t have a plan, you are planning to fail. While I rarely “fail” in the short term, every four-to-five years I have a sudden realization regarding some of the bigger choices in my life. “Shit! I didn’t really think this through…”
A prime example of this was becoming a homeowner in 2018. I was one of the lucky middle-millenials that bought at the right time when the circumstances and winds of luck had blown in my favor. The home is a humble piece of paradise: an 830 square foot house on a 2500 square foot lot. It’s no McMansion, but I get to call it my own (well, at least the half of it that First Republic Bank doesn’t own).
While home ownership is touted as a fairy tale for many, my experience has mostly been a disaster. And it’s because…surprise!…I didn’t really think my purchase through.
I started house-hunting the second I got a promotion that would allow me to afford a mortgage in West LA. I was so eager to reach the American milestone of home ownership — and fill my ego with pride — that I was determined to become a homeowner as FAST as possible rather than the smart thing to do: become a homeowner as BEST as possible. While people like my wife, sister, and inner circle of friends like to analyze, research, and dig deep, I went house-hopping simply looking for a delightful feeling. Resale value and red flags be damned! I just wanted my little slice of the Earth that felt like home.
Long story short, I bought a house that quite obviously had undisclosed (and disclosed) issues. It was listed for way over appraised value, had a square footage discrepancy from listing to inspection, and was on a busy street. There were plenty of reasons NOT to buy the house, but I had to have it. I could imagine the blissful feeling of living there. As it turns out, I ended up being on the hook for an inordinate amount of money to do repairs and address permitting issues. The resale value has barely increased while other more practical homes in the neighborhood have skyrocketed in price. The home has caused me many more migraines than peaceful moments.
The lesson here is discerning the difference between instincts and emotions. I often confuse the two. Because my instincts have been good to me over the years, I often feel a strong temporary emotion and equate it with an instinct. I feel ephemeral bliss or joy, and let it overcome my internal “compass”. Instinctual decision making comes after we have assessed the pros and cons. After we’ve marinated on the dangers and the rewards. Instincts follow a deep breath and a clear analysis.
I’m still somehow at the beginning of my journey on this front. I’ve often let emotions overwhelm me because I’ve often been externally rewarded for my emotional side. People love my enthusiasm and joy at a wedding. They love my intense concern and empathy in hard moments. But I’ve done a disservice to myself by letting these temporary feelings cloud my better judgment on life’s bigger decisions. I may not have to have a five or ten year plan — the universe will probably throw a wrench in it anyway — but I have to be better about filtering the many voices in my head. The one coming from deep in the gut, the true and unfiltered INSTINCT, is the one I want to follow.
