SHOULD: The King of Bad Words?

When I was in elementary school, my parents convinced me and my older sister that ‘stupid’ was the king of bad words. And oh, I believed it. If I accidentally called her or a friends stupid, I would quickly turn beet red and throw both hands over my mouth in shame. It didn’t take long to discover that there were plenty of four-letter and other length words that were much more flagrant. But it was a good ruse by my parents that worked for a spell.

Now, as a 34-year-old adult, I’ve become convinced that ‘should’ might be the ultimate ‘bad word’. While it doesn’t have the poetry and beauty of traditional curse words (Brian Cox in Succession is a master composer of a swearing symphony), I’ve realized that it is a fairly dangerous and undermining word with real consequences.

I didn’t notice how much I used to say it until I worked with a life coach and therapist for several months. No one ever told me not to say ‘should’, but every time I did my coach would ask me simply to make a note of it. At first I was confused, but on reflection I realized what he meant. I was basing my entire life off of phrases like “I should get up earlier to work out,” “I should be more focused at work”, “I should make more effort to see my friends”, etc. There was a laundry list of things I ‘should’ be doing but wasn’t. I wanted to boil this pattern down and see what was underneath it.

The main problem with saying ‘should’ is that it applies an invisible authority in your life that you can’t see. ‘I should start running again’. Oh yeah? Says who? It often applies a moral implication to something that doesn’t exist. When we say ‘should’, it could help to immediately ask ‘why?’ In order to make lasting and positive life changes, there must be a desire and vision beneath it, e.g.: I should start running again →why? →So I can lose weight →why →so I can play with my children and be more present in their lives →I want to start running again so I can play with my children and be more present in their lives

By simply asking ‘why?’ a few times, we can unlock the reasoning and turn an ‘I should’ (implying an invisible, non-existent authority) to an ‘I want’ (which gives us power and agency). And, if there’s no ‘I want’ underneath the ‘I should’, then maybe you “shouldn’t” do that thing after all. Maybe the friend you ‘should’ see but don’t ‘want’ to see is toxic and doesn’t make you feel like your best self. Maybe the job you ‘should’ be focused on is leading you away from the job you want.

There are more inflammatory words out there on the surface, but every time we utter ‘should’, it might behoove us to take a step back and reflect on it. Who thinks we ‘should’? Why ‘should’ we? How ‘should’ we? It will reveal a path forward that brings us closer to ourselves.