The Profound Sadness of a Truly Good Time

“Nothing is worse than your dreams coming true” -Robert Lapage

I’ve noticed an odd phenomenon in my life: some of the “happiest” moments make me truly sad. As a musician and lifelong student of music, I LOVE concerts. But at almost every concert I go to, at some point around the middle of the show, I get a wave of anxiety and dread. I observe that whatever beautiful, light, happy feeling I’m currently experiencing is ephemeral. It will go away, and at some point down the road all my good feelings will vanish forever. Then my brain starts to spiral about death and the human condition. Sounds fun, right?

Despite my natural morbidity, I’m actually not a bad guy to have around at a party. I’m known for my enthusiastic (if not very skilled) wedding dancing. I slay karaoke songs in almost every genre. I seem to be born without the gene that says you should be embarrassed by your loud behavior. Yet, while my outward appearance signals a guy having the greatest time possible, my brain eventually catches up with the same old story: this wonderful moment is fleeting.

While there are perfectly valid scientific explanations for this (https://qz.com/1046605/theres-a-biological-reason-you-feel-down-after-having-the-time-of-your-life/), the focus of my ramblings today are more targeted at the mental side of things. Is it ok to feel somewhat down around big milestones, euphoric experiences, and coveted achievements?

1. We are programmed to assume the worst. As we all know, our brains evolutionarily love to pick out the worst possible scenario and focus on the negative. This is incredibly valuable if we are being charged at by a Wooly Mammoth or about to get t-boned by someone texting while driving, but not so useful when we are blowing off steam or celebrating. Next time a dark or ominous feeling creeps up, try and look at it with curiosity. Tell your brain thanks for the warning, but you don’t really need the feedback right now. Our bodies and brains crave balance, so when we are feeling good and cherishing the moment, alarm bells get set off to send us crashing back to Earth. Acknowledge the negative feeling for what it is: a simply biological program gone awry. I’ve found by demystifying whatever anxious or harmful thought that comes my way — most often by simply naming it for what it is — generally the feeling will run for the hills. Negativity thrives in the dark, so shine a light on it.
2. Our bodies and minds are at war. Weddings, concerts, sporting events, performances, psychedelic experiences, and falling in love. What do we often report after going through any of the above? “I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience”. However, I think what we are really experiencing is our judgy minds and egos turning off temporarily and actually simply enjoying the “being” of our bodies. Think how ridiculous the concept of dancing is when boiled down…flailing our bodies around in either random or choreographed patterns for no reason. Yet, the simple act of moving in rhythm with music or someone else or a crowd of strangers can be intoxicating and elating. Being in our bodies with our minds turned off feels GOOD. My amateur theory is that in our heightened, euphoric body state, our mind simply wants to crash the party. It’s used to driving the bus, so our brains and thoughts get jealous when the body gets to chart the course for a brief spell. We can give our minds a gentle note when they pop up to interrupt our fun: take a break, brain, and just enjoy riding shotgun ’til I need you next.
3. Melancholy is its own gift. While I don’t want to spoil anyone’s good time, I think a dash of melancholy thrown in the mix at a party is a blessing in disguise. Think about what a wedding signifies: two people agreeing to try and die together. Think about a sports game/match: we’re watching talented people whose careers and bodies will eventually break down to be surpassed by the next generation. Think about a birthday (one year closer to the end), a promotion (more money but more responsibility and expectation, a hall-of-fame induction (honoring someone whose best achievements are likely behind them). All of our best days and celebrations are gently colored with ennui. To rejoice is to live fully, and to live is to one day perish. There’s no escaping that our joy is intertwined with sadness in the face of the human condition. BUT, this melancholy or “morbidity” (in small doses) is really the other side of the coin of gratitude. By knowing that our jubilant moments are numbered, we can savor them. Our high must come down, but knowing it will can make us stay fully in the moment while it lasts.

Go easy on yourself if you feel guilty for feeling sadness at an inopportune time. Embrace the feeling for what it is: a signpost that the moment you’re experiencing is a unique, transient gift. Then, focus on your body if you can. What does the moment feel, taste, smell, and look like? Our bodies can be the gateway to giving our mind a much needed rest. There is plenty of time to think later!